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You've seen it...You may have even participated in it...LITTERING!..It has almost become a National past time, ranking up there with the likes of road rage and using small, helpless animals as road bumps.
Joe and Ed at the Sign Post Up Ahead...
..To those of you who view all these 'horrific' escapades as some kind of sicko creature from your anus (NOT the planet)...There IS a County somewhere in the Heartland that has done something about it and if I'm wrong I shouldn't be.
On with the Show:
JOE: Say Eggar...What're you doin' dude..?
ED: Drivin' down the road, what else..?
JOE: You just tossed out a hershey candy wrapper!
ED: SO?..You saving 'em...?
JOE: You don't have a clue, do you?
ED: ...CLUE?
JOE: That we're drivin' thru Hazard County!
ED: You mean, where the 'Dukes' live..?
JOE: ...The Dukes of Hazard.. Boss Hogg! Sherrif Rosco P. Coletrain..kee!Kee!
ED: Yeah!.. That Roscoe, he's my favorite..
JOE: DUMMY!! Those re-runs are only a sitcom, THIS is for real!
ED: I don't get it?
JOE: Then LISTEN up!.. It all began in the mid-sixties...After the Flower Children moved out of Encino, they were replaced by a herd of pukes called the 'YIPPIES'. These Bozos' were slobs to the 'nth degree who tossed everythin' that they didn't want all over the streets..Soon they were known as 'Litterbugs'. When California finally had a belly full of these hammer heads, they tossed 'em outta there. Unfortunately the term 'Litterbug' swept over the entire Nation and almost everyone began to emulate the Yippies. One day a herd of 'Yips' ambled thru Hazard County and within a few days the entire area looked like a garbage heap.
The 'Little People'...
Not long after, an eccentric Billionaire passed thru Hazard County and seeing the eyesore decided to stay and clean the place up. Every day he hired the entire town to clean-up the litter and every night the yips would mess it up again. The billionaire was at his wits end and was heared saying "I'd give up my entire fortune to resolve this problem" Not long afterward he was seen leaving the County penniless but very satisfied.
ED: Had he made a pac with old Belzibub?
JOE: Who?..What are you talkin' about?
ED: You know..the old devil...Satan?
JOE: Hey! Keep quite while I finish my story.
ED: I was just wonderin'.
JOE: ...Soon the trash problem cleared up, the yippies moved on and no one in Hazard County EVER littered again.
ED: You made all that up, didn't you?
JOE: I'm only repeatin' what I heared.
ED: So, what happened to all the trash?
JOE: ..It was said that the billionaire found a leprechaun.
ED: You mean, a lil' people...?
JOE: ...And he made a deal that he'd donate his entire wealth if they could create a way to teach litterbugs a lesson. The little people devised such a fail proof scheme that the billionaire gladly gave up ALL his riches on that day. To celebrate his happiness the leprechauns vowed to continue the fight until everyone in the whole Country stopped littering.
ED: What did they do..?
JOE: ...Everytime they caught someone litterin' they'd gather up the trash, follow the bugs to their house then in the middle of the night toss it back into their life.
ED: How..?
JOE: From placing it in their car, on their front lawn and sometimes in their house.
ED: I never heared nobody complain...
JOE: ..And you NEVER will. Not until you get wise and quit litterin' and once you quit, it won't be so difficult keepin' your yard clean or your bedroom in order.
ED: How do the lil' people know who tosses out what?
JOE: Their ALWAYS watchin'...And if they don't see what you tossed but know you did it, then they'll pick up somethin' at random and return it to you.
ED: You know..THAT's weird.. I don't drink or smoke but sometimes I find broken long necks on my front lawn or empty cigarette packs in the back of my pick-up and now I think about it, not very long after I tossed somethin'.
JOE: Yeah, it happens all around us but it's so subtle that no one connects it.
ED: ..So you mean it's a Nation wide thing?
JOE: Yes, indeed! And it ALL started right here in Hazard County.
ED: I don't know...What about those clucks who toss out couches and dead appliances and such?
JOE: Think about it! In a few days those things disappear then after a while you drive thru a neighborhood and see derelict couches or washin' machines on somebody's front curb.
ED: So, they could have just decided to trash 'em.
JOE: Take a GOOD look!...These items seems like they've been derelicts for ages. They look like they been around for years and if so and they just NOW tossed 'em, then I don't wanna know who their decorator is.
ED: I guess it all makes sense.
JOE: ...And that wrapper you tossed out back there?
ED: ...Yeah..?
JOE: ...It might come back to haunt you.
ED: I'll take my chances.
JOE: You been warned.
... Later that night, Joe gets a room at a typical motel and while laying in bed watching TV, he hears something rustle around his feet, then looking under the sheets, spots a candy wrapper...A hershey's candy wrapper..
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Just a little advice...
Kinda makes you think, doesn't it? Well, not to worry.. It was just a story but as they say, 'In every book of fiction there is found a truth'..
Was this too much for you? Too deep? Then look out for some lighter stuff 'cause, it's a'comin'...
Doesn't it EVER happen to you?
...I was walking downtown the other day, you know, on that notorious windy street at noon where all the office women stroll down to the nearest salad bar at lunch time with their high heels clanking and their high skirts gushing even higher? Well, I was strolling and ogling when suddenly this cock roach scented stench shot up my nostrils and wouldn't let go. The portals of my nose collapsed as the odor drew nearer and nearer and I was stuck helpless between inhaling and exhaling. Suddenly I looked behind me as a hand (or some similar device) touched my shoulder. Standing there, smelling like a tenement shack was a... Street person! DAMN!, and I was hoping this would turn out to be my 'lucky' day.
"Hey buddy, got a quarter?"
ME: Of course I have a quarter! What do you take me for?...A vagrant!
BUM: I'd take you anywhere you wanted to go..If'n I owed a car...
ME: That's OWN!... Own a car...
BUM: ..You own a car...?
ME: NO! I mean yes, but, no..If YOU own a car.
BUM: I tole you, I don't own one.
ME: It was said to correct you're English.
BUM: Oh?...Ok...What YOU said, now, how 'bout that quarter?
ME: What about it?
BUM: Got one to spare..?
ME: Why, you got a flat?
BUM: I tole you, I ain't got no car.
ME: ...And you want me to give you a quarter so you can buy one, right?
BUM: ...I can't drive.
ME: Then, why do you want a quarter..?
BUM: I'm a street person..
ME: ..Are you trying to impress me?
BUM: ..And I'm supposed to panhandle...
ME: ..So you 'chose' me to sponge off.
BUM: No, you were my third choice.
ME: What happened to the two that you decided to by-pass?
BUM:...They weren't stupid enough to turn around when I touched them on the shoulder.
ME: ..Sounds like correct English to me..What got over you?
BUM: I fall into lapses from time to time..Now, how 'bout that quarter?
ME: Let's see.. YOU want ME to give YOU a quarter of which I worked hard for. Do you know what this quarter represents to me?
BUM: I dunno, a hard days pay..?
ME: A comedian!...I not only get the smelliest streetwalker this side of hell, he has delusions of being another Drew Cary as well..
BUM: Who's she...?
ME: What do you mean, Who's SHE? Don't you get around at all?
BUM: Those are questions.
ME: They sounded like questions to me too, almost as soon as I asked them..
BUM: Questions are a quarter a piece.
ME: A quarter!...Forget it then!..No, what this quarter represents to me is approximately five minutes of my time. You want me to give you FIVE minutes of my time.
BUM: Is that so much to ask?
ME: I give my boss five minutes of my time..I give my friends five minutes of my time...Hell, I even give my ENEMIES five minutes of my time. But for a total stranger? He gets...Zilch!
BUM: ..And yer wife, does SHE get five minutes of yer time?
ME: Maybe..Occasionally..When she doesn't have a headache.
BUM: Oh, come on buddy..It's just a stinkin' quarter.
ME: In you're hands, I'm sure it would be just a stinking quarter, but for me it's...
BUM: ...Yeah, I know..FIVE minutes of YER time..So, come on, live a little!..It's for a good cause.
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