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So, they want me to write a short story? If I could just get everybody to stop thinkin' about me as that donut shop but NOOO! Look, new Mothers..IF you named your kid Duncan or Filbert or ANY thing that has to do with food, nuts or fruit...DON'T! It'll mess 'em up for life and it'll be your fault for thinkin' it was such a sweet name. Anyway, I got a goody that I call...
the LECTURER....
...As the distinguished lecturer arose from his plush hotel bed, his thoughts were concentrated upon the many accomplishments made in the micro processing industry of which he was a large part of. So lucky..er, qualified was he that now, in the winter of his years, he found that many people were willing to pay him top retainers just to speak to them. Thus he set off on the lecture circut. Meeting many other highly regarded individuals and being placed upon a pedestal of sorts..Not to mention the big bucks that in itself made his heart pulpitate, which was very unusual for him as he had been told more than a few times in his working career of being heartless. 'Oh well, guess they were wrong after all..Learn something everyday' Abner thought as he prepared himself for the days BIG lecture. At approx. nine-o'clock the manager called to inform him that his limo was waiting.
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the Road Trip to...?
...Abner was a noticer, very useful in his profession...What struck him as strange was that the driver was colored. As they traveled from one side of town to the other it was obvious that our lecturer was somewhat distraught, not to mention the driver, who could feel little beedy eyes all over him...Soon, no longer able to contain himself, the limo driver spoke up ....
DRIVER: ..Whatcha' lookin' at, man?
ABNER: ..I thought it was against policy to speak to the customer?
DRIVER: ..In yer case I made a exception..Why you gawkin' at me, huh?
ABNER: ..It's strange...
DRIVER: ..Yeah! Whatso strange...?
ABNER: ..Your...Colored.
DRIVER: ..You got sumphin against Blacks? We niggers to you! You gotta Archie by-gawd Bunker complex...?
ABNER: ..It's not that, I'm just not used to being chauffered around by....
DRIVER: ..A ZULU! By somebody who don't know nuthin' but roun'ball?
ABNER: ..You misunderstand...
DRIVER: ..YOU gonna misunnerstand, Archie, when I stop this heap, get out and come back there and beat that white expression off yer face!
ABNER: ..No!No!..Let me explain.. I like blacks!
DRIVER: ..Yeah? Well how'bout I come back there and give you a couple BLACK eyes to prove it?
ABNER: ..When I said it was strange that you were colored, I was referring to your clothes.
DRIVER: ..SAY JIM! First you insult my RACE, now
ME! PERSONALLY!!
ABNER: (beginning to feel a bit ill)..NO!..NO!!..
NO INSULT!! Just one thing please - Give me ONE minute to explain...
DRIVER: ..I give my bro's a minute, my wife? thirty seconds..My dog, I give TEN! YOU? you got five sec.
ABNER: ..You see, I'm a lecturer..MicroProcessing is my major topic..I'm good, very good...
DRIVER: ..You got THREE seconds...
ABNER: ..You know, in the microProcessor industry, as well as the lecture circut, you meet men in white shirts and black trousers..Often suits, an occasional golfing habit...
DRIVER: ..A second and a half, man...
ABNER: ..Some stuck-up..ALL tight-assed, very prominant..Highly regarded, an asset to their...
DRIVER: ...THIRTY-SECONDS!
ABNER: (speeding up)..Profession..Close Knitted. Wordly..Stuffed Shirts..Wise..
DRIVER: ..TIMES UP!.. Get ready to learn how to eat corn on the cob WITHOUT any teeth!
ABNER: ..SO! Why are you wearing a clown outfit?
DRIVER: (letting go of ab's lapel)..THIS?..This is what you ment by colored?
ABNER: ...YES!..Yes, it's just..Very unusual.. BUT! But nice, that is..On you it's..Nice.It's just that it's very unusual that I should be picked up by such a distinguished man of your gender dressed in a...Clown costume?
DRIVER: ..MAN! You MUST be a lecturer, their the ONLY dudes I know that can make a short story long.
ABNER: ..A short story long..That's very good..I like that..So, why the clown costume?
DRIVER: ..None of yer white bread business!
ABNER: ..Just curious..
DRIVER: ..Well, what'cha know, here we are..Made it in record time.
ABNER: (rubber necking out the window)..This doesn't look like the Waldorf Assto..OOPS! dropped my glasses..
DRIVER: ..Here, let me get 'em for you...
... C*R*A*C*K*!!! ...
DRIVER: ..Oopsie! I hope you can still see.
ABNER (putting them on)..Between the cracks, some what.
Driver: ..Well, I don't have a spare on me and it looks like their comin' out to greet cha'.
ABNER: ..Oh, that's okay, I've memorized my lines and I do have a spare back at my Hotel.
DRIVER: ..Then, allow ME to fetch 'em for you.
ABNER: ..That would be very kind of you.
DRIVER: ..So,yer NOT going in wearin' those glasses
like THAT, are you?
ABNER: ..Well, I can see a little between the cracks but without them I'm totally blind.
DRIVER: ..Wearin' them broken specks wouldn't give a boost to yer ego, bro..Anyway, what if the glass fell completely out and a sliver dropped into yer eye? It'd be MY fault. Look, since yer gonna let me get those spares for you, why don't you put on my drivin' glasses..Use 'em until I get back.
ABNER: ..That's VERY considerate, but I can't see a thing with these on...
DRIVER: ..Maybe not, but they look better then the broken one's..Anyway, I thought you had yer lecture memorized?
ABNER: ..You're right! It's just until you return with my other pair.
DRIVER: ..That's the spirit! Say, I'll need yer key to get in to yer room.
ABNER: (searching).. OF course! Room 811..
DRIVER: ..Got any jewerly or valuables?
ABNER: ..As a matter of fact, I do..But what does that have to do with fetching my glasses?
DRIVER: ..You should NEVER leave valuables in a Hotel room! Tell you what, you let me know where they are and I'll take 'em...
ABNER: ..Excuse me...?
DRIVER: ...To the hotel clerk so he can secure 'em into their safe...
ABNER: ..Why didn't I think of that?..
.... While our lecturer is busy giving his champion total access to all his valuables, out comes the lecture parties ...
FIRST MAN: ..Is that him...?
SECOND MAN: ..I don't know, he seems familiar, but..
THIRD MAN: ..It's GOTTA be HIM..He's wearin' a pair of them three-D glasses and he's with a clown...
FIRST MAN: ..Your right! Let's fetch him.
.... As they storm towards the limo ....
DRIVER: ..I think yer party just spotted you, man. Say, I'll need some cash for the extra gas it'll take to do this favor for you.
ABNER: ..Here's my wallet, grab a twenty, that should cover it.
DRIVER: (looking)..Did you know you had a hundred dollar bill in here?
ABNER: ..Funny, I thought I had three?
DRIVER: ..Oh, wow! I only see..One.
ABNER: ..Three hundreds, two fifties, four twenties and a ten...?
DRIVER: ..(looking hard)..All the rest is there, but only one 'C' note.
ABNER: (confused)..Maybe..I left them in my room.
DRIVER: ..See, THAT'S what I'm talkin' about! It's BAD BUSINESS totin' hundreds around with you, what with the pick-pockets around and all...I think I should get TWO twenties..Just in case.
ABNER: ..Be my guest...
.... The clown pockets his wallet then hands him back another one in it's place ....
ABNER: ..Funny, I thought I brought my tri-fold...
DRIVER: ..I gotta problem foldin' tri-folds.. Must be I goofed-up...
.... Abner reaches in and feels some bills ...
ABNER: ..Can't tell a hundred from a one, but the count seems right.
DRIVER: ..See you shortly, pard.
ABNER: ..If you get back within a half-hour, I'll make it worth your while.
DRIVER: ..Count on me..
ABNER: ..By the way, why the clown outfit?
DRIVER: .. Oleg Cassini...
.... Presently, the four guy's rush up and grab their guest, places him on their shoulders and escorts him inside the lounge..Inside, there is a varied assortment of people awaiting the guest of honor..As soon as they position him in the guest seat, a thunderous roar ensues..Soon, the master of ceremonies speaks ....
MC: Hold it down ladies and gentlemen...Or whatever you consider yourselves to be on this very special occasion as our featured guest has finally arrived!
.... More clapping and hooting ....
MC: .. Before we hear from him however, I should introduce our first speaker, (hands extended)..Mr. Marty....Jerk...Water!!!
AUDIENCE: ..HOOT! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!!
MARTY: ..Thank you ladies and germs..As you know I've been a friend of our honored guest for MANY years and in all that time I haven't heared him cut one single FART! Let's hear it for the lima's...
AUDIENCE: HOOT! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!!!
MARTY: YES! YES! He's a good cutter..Outstanding in his field..Say Buster?..Isn't there a field somewhere out there you should be standing in?
AUDIENCE: HOOT! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!!!
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