MARTY: ..Well, enough of my razzle dazzle..The next speaker needs no introducton..So, I WON'T introduce him! Just kidding, gang. Let's hear it for..Chalkie Slateboard!
AUDIENCE: HOOT! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!!!
CHALKIE: ..Is this place for REAL?..Hey Marty! Getta REAL brain!!
AUDIENCE: HOOT! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!!!
CHALKIE: ..I kid him! He's got a real brain. The medical institute can attest to that fact..Called HIS the most unique brain in the world.. Hardly EVER been used!
AUDIENCE: HOOT! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!!!
CHALKIE: ..Just look at him over there with those distinguished specks hangin' off that Bob Hope nose...Our Special guest!..Hey BUSTER! Seems yer a human bein' after-all! You know, I met his wife not long ago and I kin tell ya' Lassie AIN'T got nothin' on her!
AUDIENCE: HOOT! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!!!
CHALKIE: ..And speakin' of a good bed partner...
.......WELL!.......... I'm WAITIN'!!
AUDIENCE: HOW GOOD IS SHE!!..?
CHALKIE: ..She's Sooo good in bed that she kin do it in her sleep!
AUDIENCE: HOOT! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!!!
CHALKIE: ..And furthermore....
MC: ..Chalkie? Don't you think you've been up there long enough?
CHALKIE: ..Why? Is one missin'?..Seriously though, Our Buster is a VERY intelligent intellectual..Why, he kin even tell you what that dot of white stuff that you find on top of chicken shit is...As well as reveal why buzzards don't wear unnerwear or even how you can cross a hawk with a pullet and get a Sunday dinner..He COULD reveal all these things but he probably won't since I JUST MADE 'EM UP MYSELF AND WON'T GIVE OUT THE ANSWERS!..BUT for the remedy to this malady, I call upon the Prince of exlax, that faggot of French Fried pancake dip, our very own..Franchot Toner..Giv'em hell, girl!...
AUDIENCE: HOOT! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!!!
TONER: ..Such a sweet swelterin' stewed-up sack of shit I NEVER heared..Thank you Skateboard, yer a'Sister'.So, Buster..Buster..BUTT*STER! Howzit
been growin'? Haven't hard from you since the last
time I got my numbchucks caught in that pickle slicer...I wonder whatever happened to her? Tell me, did the clinic finally give you a clean bill of health? Well, they SHOULDN'T have, since I'm the World's worst ad-libber that NEVER was!..
AUDIENCE: OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH!!!
TONER: ..So tell me, is yer darlin' wife still on the streets?..And that kid of yer's, what's his name? Vermoose? Does he still own that massage parlor down on main street? I heared it was raided last week 'cause there was too many slips of the thumb..Or was it Tongue? I get those two confused. All I know is I wasen't invited...NOT ONCE! And you know what that makes me feel like?
ELMO: ..Some kinda disoriented fag pole...?
AUIDENCE: HOOT! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!!!
TONER: Why, ELMO TUDD, how in the world did you know I was Polish?..Ladies and Hunks!..Elmo Tudd
ELMO: ..When I woke up this mornin' I heared a disturbin' sound...I said! When I woke up this mornin' I HEARED a disturbin' sound! So I tossed the bloody alarm clock right outta my window and since then, no more disturbin' sounds!..So, how'it are Buss?..Whew! Buddy, How often do you take a bath? I mean, is it my imagination or is there MOSS growin' on yer under arms?..But seriously, this guy's got the only brain in town that thinks it a harley davidson..I can't tell you how much I love this guy ..Words can't define our friendship, so I WON'T!..
MC: ..Let's give it a break for awhile Elmo and get our special guest up there to hoot awhile...
ELMO: ..And why don't YOU blow it out yer...Ladies and gentlemen and those of you who know the difference... Heeeeeeeers....BUSTER!
MC: Bring it on, Buster Buttblastt!
ABNER: ..YEAH! Bring on Buster! Bring on BUSTER!
TONE: (nudging)..Yer Buster you TWIT! Get up there and slay 'em!
ABNER: ..But..My name is Abner..Abner Appleby.
TONE: ..Who cares what name yer goin' by today..Git out there and Busta Move!
ABNER: ..But...What should I say?
CHALKIE: ..Tell 'em yer bein' held as a sex slave by the Vatican, WHATEVER! Yer the adlibber!..So, go out there and 'Lib' a little.
ABNER: ..I could tell them about micro-processors, after all, I've got the lecture all memorized.
MC: ..Better get up here Buster before the natives get restless.
ABNER: What do you think, Mr. Toner?
TONER: Micro-processors?..Could have a good punch line somewhere, sic 'em tiger!
ABNER: ..I'll DO IT!
AUDIENCE: WOO! WOO! WOO! WOO!!!
ABNER: ..Thank you, thank you very much..Fellow collegues, Friends, Ladies and Gentlemen..
TONER: (to his buddies)..I smell wood burnin'..
CHALKIE: I think the crowd is gatherin' up for a bon fire with ole Buster as the center piece..
AUIDENCE: WHO! WHO! WHO! WHO!!!
ABNER: ..In the early months of 1971, a man by the name of Lex Luthor..Or was it Hexton Luther?
AUDIENCE: DUMP THE BUM!
STRAY VOICE: ..Give him a vasectomy!!
ANOTHER VOICE: Feed him chicken soup!!
ABNER: (wonderding whether it was lex or hexton).. Well, anyway..the pioneer of micro-processing took an original idea from Jackson, Meeves and O'brian, who were the Nations leading authorities on micro- conductors. Greats in the mid fourties, these men made the first working processor and from that humble test, we have today benefitted from their early struggle, as processors are now as common as ordinary house flies...
AUDIENCE: BOO! BOO! BOO! BOO!!!
MC: ..Say Buster, the fly joke was fair, but I think you should scratch the micro bit..Your fans are about to chunk spit wads at you less the wads...
ABNER: ..But my name isn't Buster..It's Abner..Abner...
TONER: ...Abner Snabner..The house is gettin' hostile!
MC: ..What is this?..Here you are, arriving at our door wearing a pair of 3-D glasses accompanied by a circus clown, you listen to our spiel..Accept our hospitality! Was it for the free refills of luke warm water? You sit in the most exaulted seat in the house and ALL the time your some traveling brain drain from ShitPot, Pennsylvania?
ABNER: Isn't this the Waldorf Astoria?
MC: ..The Waldorf? It's ten miles on the OTHER side of the tracks..THIS is Leroy's tanning salon, he rented his back room so we could ROAST BUSTER BUTTBLASTT! The greatest living comedian this side of Cornpone, Georgia!
ABNER: ..This is ALL wrong! I'm suppossed to be at the Waldorf lecturing to a group of pre-grad faggots!!
MC: ..And the clown brought you here? Show me your credintials..You know, THIS is just what ole Buster would think up..Show me some ID..
ABNER: ..Gladly, my wallet sir.
MC: ..Hum!..I see. You look a little old for your age, MISS Agnes Ankleknub!
ABNER: ..What ARE you talking about...?
Chalkie: Well, I'm convinced! THIS has to be Buster playin' a winger on us...
TONER: ..Great skit, Buster!
ABNER: ..Wha...?
MC: ..So, are they right? You really Buster Buttblastt..Incognito?
LAUGH CLOWN, LAUGH...
ABNER: ..Look, you GOTTA believe me! It was the limo driver! He must have inadvertantly slipped me the wrong wallet...
MC: ..You mean, the clown that dropped you off?
ABNER: ..YES! By giving me HIS glasses, he must not be able to see any better then me and as a result...
MC: ..You mean, without those 3-D glasses, he's just as blind as you?
AUDIENCE: Zzz! Zzz! Zzz! Zzz!!!
ABNER: (reality strikes)..Look! I REALLY need my glasses..Have you a phone here? I need to call my Hotel..
MC: ..Your the one wearin' the 3-D glasses, can't YOU tell?
TONER: Psst! Over here..That guy won't help you..He either thinks yer Buster Buttblastt playin' a gag or some kinda comedic terrorist come to screw up his party..
ABNER: ..And you don't?
TONER: ..I could tell right off.
ABNER: ..How?
TONER: ..By the bulge in yer trousers.
ABNER: ... yeah..The phone, please. (he dials) ... Hello? Pickaroom hotel?
VOICE: ..Yeah, so what?
ABNER: ..This is Mr. Abner Appleby, I need to be connected to my room, please.
VOICE: ..Which is...?
ABNER: ..Sorry, room 811.
VOICE: ..One moment..I'm sorry sir, there's no answer..YOU must not be in.
ABNER: ..Of course I'm not there, but somebody else is...
VOICE: ..I see..Well, since you have somebody else layin' around in a SINGLE occupancy room, we'll just have to charge you double for it.
ABNER: ..He's not staying with me, he just dropped by to pick up my spare glasses.
VOICE: ..I see, and his description?
ABNER: ..He's black..And he's wearing a Clown Costume.
VOICE: ..Ah! The gentleman wearing the Oleg Casini original?
ABNER: ..YES! That's him!
VOICE: ..And he's driving a streatch limo?
ABNER: ..YES! Yes, that's the gentleman...
VOICE: ..And he had YOUR keys and asked us to let him pass?
ABNER: ..That MUST be the guy, yes!
VOICE: ..Never seen him...
ABNER: ..WHAT!!!
VOICE: ..But our Manager did, let me get him for you.
ABNER: ..Well, hurry! Will you?
VOICE: ..No, not really.
.... Seconds pass like hours, minutes pile up, the audience begins to pass the time by having food fights.The MC is stll wondering why Buttblastt is conning him..Francot Toner can't take his eyes off Abners crotch and I'm running outta things to commit on ....
MANAGER: Ekmore here...Surge Ekmore.. manager, owner and sole proprietor of 'Pickaroom Hotel' with a large chain of hostels across the Nation doing business under the copywritten name of....
'Cheap Motel' Can I help you?
ABNER: ..Finally!... Is this the Manager?
MANAGER: ..No..This is a phone, I'm talking into it and it's talkin' back.
ABNER: ..NO! You...Are YOU the Manager?
MANAGER: ..Call me..Surge.
ABNER: ..But..You ARE the Manager.
SURGE: ..Among other things..Whatta you want?
ABNER: ..Well, sir...
SURGE: ..Surge..
ABNER: ..Surge..This is Abner Appleby and I...
SURGE: ..APPLEBY! Look buddy, you sent yer clown buddy over here to sneak you out! You owe me forty two bucks..What?..Hold on a minute (mumbling).. That's eighty-four bucks for havin' a room mate in a single occupancy room, AND a wash towel..!!
ABNER: ..WHAT!...?
SURGE: ..I didn't stutter! I caught yer flunky sneakin' out with all yer stuff, as well as OUR wash towel..And now I find he stayed in yer room without signin' in..THAT'LL COST you big time!
ABNER: .. He was NOT my room mate!
SURGE: ..NOW you callin' my assistant a liar? Hey buddy, my cousin Abdul is a practicin' Attorney and he loves law suites!
ABNER: ..Let's discuss the law suite later, right now I need to know what he took...
SURGE: ..Everythin' except we prevented him from gettin' the last load.. So, if you EVER expect to recover yer clothes, you'd best pay me forty.. NO,
EIGHTY-FOUR BUCKS plus six ninety-five for the wash towel!
ABNER: ..You mean, THAT'S all I have?..No Rolex? No Rings? Nothing!..??
SURGE: ..It's the money or else!..Do you know what this would look like on your credit report?
ABNER: ..Look, don't do anything RASH!..I've been ROBBED!!
AUDIENCE: HOOT! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!!!
ABNER: ..Please, can you give a good discription of the man who robbed me?
SURGE: ..He's YOUR room mate, you tell us.
ABNER: ..He was NOT my room mate!
SURGE: ..And THAT'S the story yer gonna go with?
ABNER: ..It's TRUE!..Please, just describe him.
SURGE: ..Well, he was a black circus clown, but I think it was an inside job as he had yer key!
ABNER: ..Well, yes, I gave him my key.
SURGE: ..Like I said, inside job.
ABNER: ..It's a long story.
SURGE: ..Well, it's not like we're on long distance or anythin'.
ABNER: ..But I must reach the police department! My rolex! My rings!..My American Express!!...
SURGE; ..Add to that all yer clothes unless you fork over...
ABNER: ..I KNOW! Forty-two..
SURGE: ..Eighty-four, remember..The room mate?
ABNER: ..And six ninety-five for the towel.
SURGE: ..That settled, do you request I should keep your room avaliable?
ABNER: ..Well, it's according if I have to pay for it...
SURGE: ..Do I look like a YMCA to you? Oh, by the way, your lecture class called..
ABNER: ..Oh my GAWD!!
SURGE: ..Yeah..Said to tell you that substitute you sent over was a 'gasser'..Then they requested you use him all the time on yer lectures..They said his knowledge on the subject of muff divin' far out weighed his knowledge, or their interest, in micro
processing.
ABNER: ..Oh my gawd...
SURGE: ..Said their check is in the mail..
ABNER: ..OH!.. Well, in that case.
SURGE: ..Said they did as you requested and used the Buster Buttblastt alias on the check..
ABNER: .. Oh no..
TONER: Whatsa matter sweety?
ABNER: (slowly hanging up)..Oh, nothing..I'm just ruined..No money, no rolex..No American Express.
MC: ..Well, this gig pays two bills..
ABNER: TWO bills? Chicken feed! Bus fare! I get a grand a lecture!
MC: ..Well, we do five roasts a week, THAT's a grand..How many weeks you play?
ABNER: I'm lucky to get one a month...Did you say five roasts a week?..How many weeks do YOU play?
MC: ..Fifty, with two weeks paid vacation...
ABNER: (GULP)!
MC: ..Well, hope you get back on yer feet....
ABNER: (an idea!)..Fergit that crap! Where's those 3-D glasses?... NOW! lead me to that pulpit!!
MC: ..But, what about Buttblastt?
ABNER: ..Buttblastt? We don't need no stinkin' Buttblastt! You got his brudder...
.... On with the show ....
MC: ..And so, ladies and germs..It's my pleasure to introduce you to...ABNER ASSWIPE! Say hi, Abner!
ABNER: ...Thanks a lot, Dan Fartoe..Hey! I always knew when we were growin' up back in good ole Itchbottom, Iowa that you'd be a master of somethin' ..Like back then it was a master baiter because you loved to fish (It COULD be true) and now it's master of ceremonies.. Master lock could take a few lessons from you..And Marty! Old party harty Marty..I heared you and yer girl friend split up last week..Do you still keep yer fly at half-mast? Yo' Chalkie! I went out and purchased a REAL brain yesterday, the only problem with it is that it's always whisperin' to me, "ET call home, ET call home"..And dear Elmo, howz the fire? I went out and bought you a new wardrobe as a surprise but when I got home my wife liked it so much that she made ME wear it and it sucks!...
AUDIENCE: HOOT! HOOT! HOOT! HOOT!!!
ABNER: ..And that white thing sittin' on top of chicken shit? Why, that's MORE chicken shit..As to the buzzard that don't wear unnerwear...It's difficult to wear underwear when yer peckers on yer face...And the hawk and pullet, I kin tell you...
TONER: (to mc)..I think we got us a winner...
MC: ..Just keep yer hands to yerself...
TONER: ...Spoiled sport...
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The Birth of a Notion..
OohWee! Can you imagine it?..A big shot lecturer stoopin' so low as to preform for sleezy night clubs...Well, I guess ole Abner Appleby alias Abner Asswipe will be livin' it up with his fifty grand plus a year..HEY! Anybody out there lookin' for a good Ad-libber? I'll work for scale!...
Duncan (NOT the donut) Flushmore...
Hope You Liked Him...
Duncan is alright (dispite his paranoia).. And I hope you come back to experience him at a later date.. As for me? Well, I'm gettin' ready to expose the TRUE story behind the Tortoise and the Hare.. And it ain't a pretty story.. But for now I'll just plow along and hope one of you watchers read my current tale and as an after reading mint, try on Duncan's ditty...See ya'...
Anothernonymous...
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